Almost FAS

Lebron James is an amazing basketball player.  If he retired today, he would be a first ballot hall of famer.  He has filled a stat sheet like nobody else, since Oscar Robertson.  He can guard all five positions on the floor, and can play all five positions.  He is a very cerebral player.  Probably because of his gargantuan head!

Look at the size of this melon.  

It's widely known that Mamma James loves to hit the bottle.  She had a DUI in 2006, and while shit-faced last year, bitch slapped a valet for not getting her car quick enough.  I'm thinking she drank just enough while pregnant with Lebron to boost that head size, while avoiding Full Tilt FAS.  

The NBA has seen other Almost FAS players.  My favorite is the former Duke flopper, Shelden Williams.  

Even Lebron can't compete with this forehead. 

Perhaps Shelden has a little too much FAS.  It definitely appears he doesn't have the right mixture.  It's clear that there is some research to be done.  One theory I'd like to see researched asap is....

- Does Almost FAS make you a scared bitch?  Even if you are almost 7 feet tall, and weigh about 275 lbs.  

Every season it is the same routine, Lebaby craps his pants when the game is on the line.  This year he is even doing it against the Pacers.  Yes, the Pacers.  Yes, the Pacers from Indiana.  Oh man, that makes me laugh. 

Since my wife loves wine so much, I think we may try to mix up just the right amount of alcohol abuse if she ever gets pregnant.  I mean c'mon, with both our DNA plus boxed wine, we could make a super Lebron.  The kind of Lebron that could actually win an NBA title and not piss his pants when the going gets tough.  

Worst case scenario we get a little mongrel like Shelden.  Even a mongrel can snag 5 rebounds, and warm the bench for an NBA team.  

If all this is too much for you to comprehend entertain, here is another mystery.

This is Lebron's wife...

          

And this is Shelden's wife....

WTF!

        

Josh Mantle Hamilton

Holy pudding!  

Have you seen the tear he is on?  

If you haven't you are living under a rock.  

Hamilton's #'s are on triple crown pace.

402 Avg

18 Hr

41 Rbi

30 Runs

1.334 OPS

I don't think anything screams Triple Crown quite like a stomach tattoo.

Here is the bad-ass equivalent of Josh Hamilton circa 1956.

Mickey mantle always said he was too drunk to remember his MVP, Triple Crown winning '56 season.  

"I only smoke when I drink.  I smoke a lot." - Mickey Mantle

Baseball writers are in a fury talking about the potential of the first triple crown in decades.  It's only logical to conclude, writers and fans alike are hoping for a Mantlesque relapse by Hamilton.  Knock em back and knock em out Josh.  Just lay off Mr. Brownstone.  Last time I checked heroine limits baseball abilities. 

Mother's Day Special

In honor of Mother's day...

I give you 5 moms that gaveth when they should have taketh away.

Don't worry, Moms, Father's day is right around the corner.  

I won't forget them next month.

Judy Rocker delivered this gem.

Pamela Tebow was so close, at least John Elway had some guts!

Evie Sandusky crapped out this.

Galynn Brady unearthed this prick.

And last but not least the Jaws of Life were used to extract this from 

Carleen Fozzy Bear Frodo Allen.

At least the first 4 mothers probably got a new house out of the ordeal.  

I'm trying mom, maybe this classy blog will make me rich some day.  
Or better yet, reward us with a lifetime supply of Pudding.

The Buccos Are Good For Something...

In case you didn't know......

The Pittsburgh Pirates are a below average team, playing in an above average stadium, with below average attendance.

I hit up the game Wednesday evening, with two bad ass mother fuckers.

While sitting at the game;
This Guy  reminded me about 6th grade math class when I drew a giant dick on his test and he had to erase it in front of the principal.
And This Guy re-told the story about converting his golf bag into a 36 beer cooler for my bachelor party.

What a simple, yet great time.
I think if we would have been sitting at a sold out Fenway park to watch the Yankees and Red Sox we probably wouldn't have talked about such random entertaining shit.  And if we did, we would have been a hell of a lot poorer after the event.

Just check out the excitement for the Pirates vs Natioinals.
Detweiller vs Bedard the game of the century, decade, year, week, the game of the day in Pennsylvania, shit... ok
Western Pennsylvania.

Our tickets were a whopping $15.00 each.  Seats like these in Boston or New York can't be had for less than $55.00 a piece.  All three of us enjoyed this game for less.  Not to mention we bought these tickets 10 minutes before the game started.  For any last minute purchase in New York or Boston you can bank on paying double or triple the $55.00 face value.

Was the game amazing? no.
Are most baseball games amazing? Hell no.
Does PNC park sell good Pudding? God damnit no.
Is a Wednesday night at PNC park worth $15.00 to talk some bullshit AND heckle Bryce Harper? God damnit yes.

Your Sports for nothin' and some TV for free

For years I spurned the suggestions of my wife to cancel our TV.  Over and over again I told her that I couldn't live without daily sports.  Football, Basketball, Baseball, NCAA, ESPN in general.  There wasn't a feasible way I could do it.  We faithfully purchased the NFL Sunday Ticket at astronomical rates.  In addition to sports, how could we give up the quality series on HBO and SHOWTIME?

As I began to get off my ass while also scraping couch remnants off of it, I found myself entertaining the change for the first time.  When I did the simple math ($150.00 x 12 months = $1800.00) it was on, time to tell directv to gargle some balls.  Time to tell directv that we did not require their service any longer.  I can't recall, but I'm pretty sure I went with the latter statement.  After multiple offers from directv to stay at a cheaper rate, one offer even included a russian mail order bride, I had successfully cut the chord!

All along I knew I could connect my PC to my TV via an HDMI cable.  With the cancellation, the connection was made and we began to "legally" watch movies and the same series we used to watch on HBO and SHOWTIME.  We quickly made the connection that $150.00 is not a fair trade for watching your favorite show live instead of 8-24 hours later.  But what about my beloved sports?

I vaguely remembered watching the world cup online while at my my real close friend and buddy's house.  I double checked with him and sure enough a magical site was shown to me.
http://www.p2p4u.net/

This site is loaded with sports pudding.  Anything you want to watch is here.
Soccer, Football, Basketball, Hockey, Basketball, MMA, Boxing, WWE, Rugby, Tennis, Motosport, Darts, Snooker, Aussie Football, ETC.  They even have a constant ESPN feed if you just need a sportscenter fix.  It's all here, for free.  Yes, free.  Zero dollars.

I loved having HD sports, but I will gladly trade HD for FREE.
After hearing of this site I understand if you keep your Television, but you are bat-shit crazy if you don't at least use this site to watch all Pay Per View sporting events.

If you find yourself still paying for television, tell me why.

We're the Devils!

When some random guy I found on google, Joseph Joubert, said.....
"A part of kindness is loving people more than they deserve."

I GUARANTEE he never met a Philly fan.

Some grad students were in need of validation on Sunday night.  I had the privilege of chauffeuring a group of wild nymphas/ninfas/ninfos... nerds.  I was able to catch the Philadelphia Flyers lose to the New Jersey Devils while sitting in a bar filled with Flyers fan.  Don't worry I got tested for hepatitis earlier today, all is well.

Listening to a fan of any Philly team is a guaranteed loss of ten IQ points.
(About the same as reading my blog)

What is wrong with Philadelphia fans????

I am certain they have a genetic flaw.  Perhaps an extra chromosome?  Maybe their mother never gave them any pudding?  Or they carry a zombie virus?  If zombies took over this planet I would fully expect the blame to fall on the hands of Philly fans.  Whatever it is, it directly impairs their cognitive ability. 

With each devils goal I did a slightly calmer version of David Puddy minus the face paint.

In retrospect, my calmness was the direct result of a 0.0% bac.  I have learned that you shouldn't celebrate too much around these zombies when their team inevitably chokes.  Especially when your "wrecking crew" is three lovely ladies with an affection for dirty martinis, margaritas, buttery nipples, birds, wisconsin cheese, and feminist discourse.

T-Rex Syndrome?

Everyday I am provided with the joy of listening to people overreact.  Whether the reaction is from a customer, a direct report, a peer, or a boss, it is universally the same thing. 

A situation (rarely of importance and usually fabricated) is mentioned.  One of a very few individuals will provide a clear and simple response/answer/solution.  Great!  Situation covered, let's move on..... ohhh shit here comes a herd of T-Rex.

A herd of T-Rex? 
I thought they usually travelled alone? 

Yea no shit, but not where I spend 40 hrs of my life on a weekly basis.  Imagine dealing with a few at one time.  These personalities are the equivalent of a T-Rex placed in a confined area and prohibited from eating people.  They just yell while waving their short little arms.

Since they are T-Rexae.... none of their panicked screaming makes a damn bit of sense.

How can this possibly be a positive, productive, and eventually successful environment?

While asking myself this question I instantly thought of a few great coaches and their lack of T-Rexness. 

John Wooden
Phil Jackson
Bill Belichick.
Tony Dungy
   
How many times has anyone seen these 4 lose their Pudding?  This trait, or lack there of, shouldn't go unnoticed.  Even a schmuck like myself can venture to the land of Wikipedia and read about Emotional Intelligence.  I think if we work really hard....we can get the T-Rex pushed in the right direction.


 


  

Are you going to finish that baby?

Last Thursday when the Steelers selected David Decastro OG from Stanford, the Pittsburgh Steelers knew something 15+ other organizations obviously didn't know.  How to identify a perennial all pro offensive guard.  At the NFL combine teams were measuring linemen in the 40-yard dash, Bench Press, Vertical Jump, Broad Jump, 3 Cone Drill, and the Shuttle run.  Steelers GM Kevin Colbert had no need for such lousy information.  Throughout the process Colbert compared their eventual pick to one of the 3 greatest offensive guards in the history of football; Steve Hutchinson.  

The basis for Colbert's opinion is being revealed for the first time today.  If an OG looks like he would eat a baby, you draft him.  The proof is in the pudding.... David Decastro  Steve Hutchinson

This revolutionary scouting secret is going to change the NFL.  Especially when the NFL discovers all you need is a rapist to reach 3 super bowls... and win 2.